


☁ Clouds ☁

by CheshireCatLife



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alzheimer's Disease, Anger, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Tragedy, Canon Disabled Character, Canon Era, Canon Related, Canon Universe, Canon!Eren, Clouds, Confusion, Dementia, Dementia!Levi, Doctor!Hanji, Doctors & Physicians, Established Relationship, Fear, Fear of Death, Goodbyes, Heavy Angst, Illnesses, M/M, Medieval Medicine, Memory Loss, Missions, Returning Home, Running Away, Secrets, Sneaking Around, Terminal Illnesses, Wheelchairs, Worry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-12
Updated: 2017-10-07
Packaged: 2018-10-03 11:49:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10244687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CheshireCatLife/pseuds/CheshireCatLife
Summary: ☁ ''you see, i have this subordinate named eren,,A diagnosis can change it all. It doesn't just affect the victim but everyone around them...and this one, this will send him to the clouds...but it will send the others to the ground. ☁





	1. Chapter 1

* * *

  **Clouds**

_An Ereri Short Story_

_Based Off The Manga:[Cognitively Impaired Heichou](http://jaeger.co.vu/post/80746728808) On Tumblr_

_-All Copyright To The Creator of the Manga-_

* * *

 

**1.**

I Have This Subordinate Named Eren

 

'You see, I have this subordinate named Eren.' Levi began just as he had done for the last three days that Eren had been away. He had been in the medical ward for four days now, initially admitted by Eren for 'odd behaviour'. The source was still unknown. Hanji had attempted to talk through the first days but Levi had remained unresponsive and even she soon gave up. She didn't want to, she tried so hard not to but the blank look in his eyes had forced her away like a wind in the winter. She had thought herself to be fearless but the response sent a chill straight down to her bone. The look had even Erwin on edge. Levi looked empty. Not uncaring, as he usually did, but empty- as if he wasn't aware of his own existence. His answers were vague as if he wasn't quite sure of who he was talking to or if he was talking to anyone at all.

'I know, honey.' Hanji answered as she took another blood sample using a long, dust syringe. She pulled it out quickly but Levi didn't even wince. Had he lost all sensation? That was another possibility to add to the increasingly large list that now covered tens of pages of her notebook.

'Eren should be back tomorrow.' He stated numbly, his hair glistening in the sunlight whilst his eyes reflected nothing but an eerie, black emptiness.

'He'll be back today, sweetheart.' Hanji murmured, leaning her head on his shoulder, sitting next to him on the creaky hospital bed. Levi didn't notice that she had spoken or, at least, she saw no signs of a reaction. She couldn't be sure. Levi was usually so nonchalant to his surroundings, meaning he often looked bored. But, bored and empty are two very different things. Levi cared, maybe more than anyone; he had seen more people die than most would see in multiple lifetimes. It had caused him to retreat into a shell whilst sending the other veterans into their own mental wars; Erwin's far-fetched aim of saving the entirety of humanity by himself and Hanji's loopy personality, although it couldn't be written off that that was part of her personality too.

War broke even the strongest of minds. But, Hanji had never seen a mind break like this. She had seen many medical conditions since she had moved the hospital wing but never this. This wasn't PTSD nor was it related to trauma at all. It was as if that shell he had retreated into had ridden itself of him. He was only his body now.

'Levi, did you hear me? I said he'll be back  today.' Hanji said again, glancing at the clock. Levi's eyes lit up for just a millisecond before the light was snuffed out again as was Hanji's hope.

The familiar sound of hooves rang throughout the rickety building; Eren was back. Hanji smiled gently. If anyone could fix Levi, it would be Eren. Although, at this point, Hanji wasn't sure that love, care and affection was really the best course to get their captain back. Hanji leapt off the bed, anyway, as energetic as ever, taking one last glance at Levi before she left.

'You know I have this subordinate named Eren.' He said suddenly as if he hadn't said it before.

'I know, Levi, I know.' She sighed before leaving for good, deserting Levi in the dark, damp medical wing. The place itself was not suitable for the purpose of healing but it worked well enough to dump dying soldiers into until their long-awaited deaths. That was its only purpose bar from the few days Hanji decided to turn it into a second laboratory. Levi was the first real sick patient they'd had that wasn't either dead or dying. The thought itself was morbid but honest- there was no escaping death as a soldier.

'Levi!' Came a thrilled shriek of that little boy named Eren. Eren had admired Levi for so long and when the Captain had finally confirmed both of their feelings with a kiss, it had seemed everything was right in the world. Until three days ago. Three days ago Levi had woken up and had acted as if he didn't know that Eren was, well, Eren. He talked about Eren to the boy himself as if he wasn't right in front of him. It had struck fear not only into Eren but to the rest of his close circle too. Something was wrong, terribly wrong. But, Eren had hope that it would be fixed by now. He was wrong.

Eren came running into the medical ward where he was told Levi would be, running up to him and hugging him tightly. Levi didn't move, nor did he speak. Eren pulled back, worry etched on his face. 'Levi?' He asked, adding no more. Levi looked at the man blankly and Eren knew that he was wrong, nothing had been fixed. It was happening again.

Levi finally met Eren's eyes with a look as blank as a cloudy night's sky. 'You know, I have this subordinate named Eren.' Eren broke. He could feel it as if it were a fracture to his bone. The pain crashed to him and he felt himself keeling, his breath lost. Levi didn't know his own lover's face. He didn't know Eren. He didn't know himself. Eren's mind short-circuited. There was a pause and their eyes locked. Not an ounce of recognition.

Eren ran. He couldn't do anything but run. He wasn't sure where he was running, only that it was away from Levi. Eren found himself running faster and with more purpose. He had to find Hanji. It was his one and only aim now: reach Hanji and ask her what the hell was going on. And, within a few seconds, he had found her room: the door wide open with Hanji inside.

Hanji wasn't herself that day. She sat on her bed, her head in her hands and small whimpers coming from her mouth. 'Hanji?' Eren asked warily, stepping inside. She shook her head and looked up at him with bloodshot eyes.

'I don't know what's happening, Eren. Levi, he won't do anything. He won't say anything. He stares at me blankly all day. He keeps on talking about you and I hoped that you might...wake him up or something of the sort. But...well.' She whimpered and Eren, now more confident, sat next to her and rested his head on her shoulder. 'I know how you feel.' He gazed up at her. 'But, we have to try everything. This might be a new disease but your Hanji Zoe, if anything, you're the one that can cure him.' Eren smiled reassuringly and Hanji nodded, a wan smile making its way onto her face. She looked calm and thoughtful and Eren couldn't help but feel that the look suited Hanji more than the crazed scientist that had some even crazier friends.

'For now, let's just look after him, huh?' Eren smiled and Hanji looked down at him, nodding.

'It's the only thing we can do.'

 

* * *

 

'You can't see him?' Eren asked, pushing the heavily built wheelchair in front of him. With a lack of technology and an obvious lack of people in the hospital rather than the morgue, a wheelchair had to be made rather than used.

It jittered every time they passed over a rock on the grinding path outside of the castle which, in turn, was outside of the cities walls. The expedition was not over just yet and this would be their hideout for all purposes.

'That's right. That darn Eren! He's on an expedition right now. I hope that he comes back safely.' Levi looked up to the ceiling, a tear rolling down his cheek, yet, he was still smiling. It was as if he was reliving a fond memory. Yet, it seemed that, at the moment, Levi could have fond memories. It had been as if his mind was blank. Nothing was there but the ability to process words- the same words.

'Eren.' He breathed, following the pattern of the clouds as if Eren was not the one he was talking to. He talked as if Eren was in the sky. It was as if Eren was...dead. Eren's stomach churned and he wished to gag but he stayed in his position, for Heichou's sake.

'I'm sure that Eren is safe and doing well.' Eren bit out, swallowed thickly, pushing the wheelchair further, his legs more rackety than its wheels on the stone. Eren couldn't bear this anymore but he held his thoughts in, not voicing it in case it only came back to haunt him later. There was no clear evidence to say Levi would not remember his time as, well, a ghost.

He and Hanji had promised to give Levi their all and they were trying their hardest. It had been three days since Eren's return and Levi's condition had only worsened. Hanji had no solution, despite her notebook being filled to the brim with scribbles and noted, and Eren was bearing the unbearable. He talked to Levi as if they were both ghosts. Neither could see the real man behind the mask and each word passed through them in a cloud of unimportance. They were see-through, they were nothing.

'You ass! You said Eren's name without an honorific!' Levi snapped, as he often did. Levi no longer seemed to see the line between emotions. He could be happy, angry, sad then confused all within a minute. He had lost the leash and Levi was now running around wildly with no control.

He just wasn't Levi anymore.

Eren had learnt to only flinch and continue on as a nasty comment was thrown at his face like a sharp stone. He had no time to argue with a man that was unaware of the world around him. He didn't want to anger him nor did he want to rile himself.

Eren blushed under Levi's heavy gaze but continued wheeling him down the corridor, his legs beginning to fall from beneath him. But, he was a soldier and even on shaky legs, he knew how to go on.

'Just kidding.' Levi laughed, smiling an empty smile but it was more than Levi had ever done any time elsewhere. He wasn't one to smile or to even laugh. A smirk had come Eren's way a few times but no more. But, it felt that in that moment, an empty smile was worse than no smile at all.

Eren brought his hand to his cheek to dust a fleck of mud away, only to pull them away and find them wet. Since when had he been crying? He felt the liquid drip from his chin and realised he had been crying since the beginning. Eren hated to cry but this just seemed like one of those times he was allowed to. No, not allowed to, wanted to. Levi was breaking him and he was letting him. Eren had an undying loyalty to the man and he knew he would never leave his side to never return. Eren would always find his way back to him.

'Why are you crying?' Levi asked gently, turning around in his creaky wheelchair. There was a pause, a such dreaded pause that only informed Eren of what was about to happen. This was not good. This was not good. This was not good. 'Hey, you know?' Levi smiled, looking as if he was trying to cheer the boy up. Eren looked up again, waiting for the inevitable. Levi wasn't going to cheer him up, he was going to break him further. 'I have this subordinate named Eren.' Eren wanted to cry, he wanted to shout and in the moment, it all came out. He grabbed Levi's shoulders tightly, crushing them in his grip and brought his face only an inch away from Levi's, the tears still spilling from his bloodshot eyes.

'It's me, Heichou. It's Eren. I'm Eren!' He screamed. His temper had broke but Levi's spell had not. Levi stared at him blankly, trembling under Eren's harsh gaze. He was afraid. Eren had made Levi afraid. He had done the impossible. Levi was afraid of nothing, but now, he was scared of even little Eren. The boy who had a bloodlust directed towards the beasts that roamed their world but could never hurt a fly otherwise.

Images flashed through Eren's mind of all the times Levi had said those words over the last few days and how each any every time he had wanted to scream- wanted to strike fear into the man. The guilt sent floods instead of tears. Eren couldn't hold it in anymore. He couldn't do it for Levi anymore. So, he ran. He ran as fast as his legs would take him.

And moments later, he found himself inside his bedroom, down in the dungeon, sliding down the inside of the metal bars, the metal clanging loudly as he hit them with a thud. He bawled into his cupped hands. He had just ruined everything. He had broken his promise. He had broken his friendship. He had broken his lover.

He had broken everything and he couldn't bring himself to forgive that.

Eren felt a failure and he knew that there was no fixing this. Eren couldn't fix this. Levi couldn't fix this. They were both stuck in the loop and there was no escape.

They were stuck in a cycle of sadness: the most common of them all.

 

* * *

 

Levi couldn't seem to remember a thing. His memory was as blurred as the world around him. One moment he would remember who he was, what he did but he struggled in even that. He felt as if he had suffered memory loss yet that couldn't be it. He remembered some things so vividly. He remembered Eren so vividly. His bright sea, blue eyes. He remembered them. He wished he would come back, he had been so long. He was supposed to be back soon. Yet, hadn't he been saying that for a while now? No, he hadn't. He was clear on that.

He wondered where that boy ran off to, the brat. He just left him in a wheelchair out on the grounds. Levi scowled but made no attempts at moving and just folded his arms and waited. Waited for Eren to come back.

He never did and, an hour later, Levi still hadn't moved. His arms were tensed and his scowl was now engraved on his face. That brat, he thought, tapping his foot. He should have stood up and walked back an hour ago but the thought never crossed Levi's mind. In this state, he had lost all independence.

'Levi!' He heard a call but paid no attention to it. Was he Levi? Maybe, he didn't remember anymore. No, he was Levi, he definitely was. But, he still didn't turn around. He didn't realise he had to turn around. He had lost his social etiquette. He didn't know that when someone called your name, it was normal to turn to them. He had lost his sense of norm.

He was just there, now, and he did nothing about it.

He was no longer humanity's strongest, he was humanity's weakest. He was frail, forgetful and dependent. He had almost reverted back to a child. 'Levi!' That voice came again, this time he did move but, not in the way he was supposed to. He stood up but his legs were too shaky, he hadn't used them in days. He fell backward, lucky to land back in the wheelchair just as a woman, with brown hair and thick-framed glasses, appeared in front of him. She smiled yet it was so solemn, he couldn't find it within himself to smile back.

Who was this woman, anyway? She looked crazed and Levi couldn't see him having any relationship, friendship or otherwise, with anyone of the sorts. But, it was clear, that she thought that they were close. Why did he not remember? He had no injuries, did he? Nothing had happened to him. So why, all of a sudden, did he feel as if a chunk of his life could be taken away.

In fact, now that he thought about it, this woman reminded me of his friend Hanji. He wondered were Hanji was- most likely doing experiments, the crazy old bat. 'Time to take you back, Levi.' The woman smiled another kind smile- no matter how fake it was- and began to wheel him back inside. Levi wallowed in the warmth as it enwrapped him- the doors now shut behind him.

The woman began to talk but he paid no attention. He paid attention to the details of the building, instead. He didn't remember this place either. How had he got here? He thought he lived in the underground, that was where his home was, was it not? Had he moved since then? The questions were as blurred as his thoughts around him.

Everything was blurred.

It was the best description, he found. No matter how clearly he saw, it was all blurred. The memories that every object should bring, brought nothing. It was as if he were made and not born. It was as if he had been placed down to be noticed but not take notice of anything else. He was lost in a world of blur and he had no way out of it.

There was no cure.

Levi focused his eyes again on seeing the crazed woman opening the door and wheeling him through. It was the medical centre, he knew that much. 'You know, I have a subordinate named Eren.' He began, trying to begin a conversation. The woman only answered with the same answer he had heard so many times before, each time by the boy with the sea green eyes. 'I know.' Levi sighed but smiled at the thought of Eren. He wanted him back, he had been gone so long. How long had it been?

'Levi, you need rest. Would you be able to lie down for me.' She said as she brought me onto the bed, my body upright and tense. I nodded feebly and lay down gently on my back, my eyes trailing to the ceiling. It was dull, made of rocks that could fall and crumble at any moment but Levi didn't care, he had something to watch- something to entertain himself. It seemed trivial that a thing such as a ceiling could entice a man so much but Levi was in no normal state of mind. This could be a daily routine for him and he would still be excited at the prospect of memorising the lines of the roof.

What a dull life his had become.

Humanity's strongest had become humanity's most boring. He was dismal, boring and grim. He was closer to reverting back to his old self, though. The grouchy man in his mid-thirties who had no time for happiness. Not that anyone did, in the army that is.

Levi found himself losing consciousness rather quickly. And, as he closed his eyes, he forgot the thoughts of the bland ceiling and he let his mind wander. Yet, it didn't seem to go very far. He found himself trapped within a memory. It was a memory of Eren. He smiled, now asleep, watched by Hanji who was almost asleep herself. 'You'll come back one day, I know you will.' She reassured herself, a stray tear wiped hastily from her cheek. She hated crying, she had no fear. But, this was her best friend. Her best friend who didn't know who she was. They were like family. Who forgot family?

It seemed he had and there was no point in trying to change it. The ones around Levi would just have to adjust, that was how life would be. 'You know, I have a subordinate named Eren.' Hanji heard Levi mumble in his sleep. She laughed emptily and rested her head back. Maybe, just maybe, he would wake up fine tomorrow.


	2. Chapter 2

**2.**

The Pain Of Forgetting

 

Eren yawned and stepped out of his room, peering down the corridor for any intruders or simply Sasha and Connie sneaking out for another midnight snack. He wanted to see Levi, even if it would break his heart even more. He couldn't take being away from him when he was in this state. He wasn't safe. He was delirious to everything around him. He had lost all independence and Eren had promised to keep him safe and, somehow, he had already managed to fail.

There was no doubt that Hanji had found him and cared for him but something about that made Eren even more mad at himself. He didn't want to burden anyone else, even if they had vowed the same thing as him. Eren wanted to be Levi's trustee but how could he do that when he kept running away?

The hallways held an eerie silence, only interrupted by the odd snore by a recruit. It seemed that they were the only ones to snore. Eren laughed quietly as he passed Jean's room, a roar of a snore coming from within but kept walking without teasing the older boy.

He only had one thing on his mind and that was Levi.

After another five minutes of walking, he found himself at the abandoned hospital wing. Levi was laying on the single bed, Hanji nowhere in sight- she would probably be asleep by now. Eren smiled at how peaceful Levi looked and brought up a stool next to the bed. He rested his arms on the bed and his head on his hands and watched the man, looking for any signs of injury.

Luckily, there were none. Hanji must have got him quickly or, at least, he hoped so. The thought of Levi waiting outside for hours with no one by his side struck fear into the young recruit more so than a titan did.

'Levi, when you wake up, please remember me. I don't think I can do this anymore.' Eren smiled weakly, not letting his sadness seep through. This was Eren's wish, just to be remembered. Not as the boy who was a titan. Not as humanity's savior. But, simply for Levi to remember him until his last day on this earth, no matter how soon that would be.

'I miss you, Levi.' He whispered, his eyes closing as sleep took over him. His arms dropped, folded on the bed, creating a pillow-like structure for him to sleep on. 'Goodnight, Heichou. I'll see you when you wake up.'

 

* * *

 

Levi peeled open his eyes, wincing at the sudden burst of light that hit him. The curtains were open, no one had closed them before nightfall and the rays of sun stung his eyes as they reflected off the mirror on the opposite wall and into his blurry eyes. The bed creaked underneath him as he pulled himself up, leaning back on his frail arms, trying to wake himself up with something other than the painful light. It must be late morning, he thought as he stared at the sun which was now high in the sky. It was almost midday. He glanced over cautiously as he felt the bed lean to one side. A boy was here. Eren was here. Eren. That name was so clear. Eren was back. That was Eren. But, hadn't Eren been back for a while? Why did he feel as if Eren had come back only now?

Maybe, it was him who had just come back.

One of Eren's eyes opened gently as he peered up at the raven-haired man in front of him. 'Ugh, where am I?' Eren groaned, cracking his bones as he stretched, trying to wake himself up. He was still groggy and his vision was blurred to the point where he could have been blind, not revealing who it was he was next to.

'Why am I in the hospital room?' Eren sighed, blinking, rubbing his eyes to focus his vision. 'Oh right, Levi.' He mumbled to himself before he finally looked back to the man he had seen as he woke up. He jolted up, his body rigid and prepares to run as he saw Levi staring at him. Was that curiosity he saw? The emptiness was gone, filled with that diminished light. But, it was light nonetheless.

'What's wrong, Eren?' Levi asked, cautiously as if it was Eren who had the disability and not him. Eren snapped his eyes to watch Levi's as they warily watched him, scanning him from top to bottom- just like every soldier was trained to do.

'What did you say just now?' Eren pleaded, bringing himself onto his arms, his eyes wide with hope. Eren looked like himself. He looked like the hope-ridden child who wished to 'kill them all!'.

'Huh?' Levi shook his head as if he had misunderstood. He knew he hadn't but what had he just said that was so important? He had simply asked a question. What was so important about that?

'Do you know who I am? Do you?!' Eren begged, leaning even further forward, so close that Levi could feel his breath. Levi wanted to back away, seeing Eren in this state was intimidating yet so much more intriguing. This was what Levi had always found in Eren. Levi had always been intrigued by the young soldier. Something everyone else he had met failed to do- maybe apart from his close friends Erwin and Hanji.

'What are you saying? Of course, I do.' He laughed under his breath and smiled that soft smile he had reserved for Eren and only Eren. 'You're Eren, right?' Eren's eyes widened and he smiles one of his manic smiles and smashed his lips against Levi's in a hungry kiss.

'You remember. You remember...' He repeated the phrase until he was too out of breath to continue. He bustled his head into the crook of Levi's neck and began to cry. He didn't sob, he was too happy, he just let the tears flow. He had held it in for so long, it was time to just let it out.

'What are you...?' Levi seemed at a loss for words.

'Don't ask. I'm just glad your back.' Eren breathed, smiling. 'I can't believe you're back.'

 

* * *

 

Eren left only when Hanji dragged him out the door with promises that he could return later. Eren, despite the dismissal, was doubtful in leaving Hanji and Levi in a room together. With his memory miraculously intact and a crazy woman in his room, I felt like he might just slip away again. Eren, either way, returned to his room in silence, his cheeks still tear-stained but a smile permanently etched on his face.

Hanji, unlike Eren, was beaming. Her face represented pride and glee all in one. Levi looked at her with disdain, and a tinge of fear, as she bounded around the hospital wing, gathering heaps of paper before throwing them towards Levi as if he were to catch them.

Of course, he didn't. The paper fluttered around the room, catching the air like feathers before scattering around the room, showing notes upon notes about Levi's condition. 'What is this?' He breathed, his voice catching the wind, muffled by the racket of the shaking windows as the breeze flew by.

'Notes. On your condition, Levi.' Hanji smiled, collecting a few closest to her, making sure not to tear the few under her feet as she stepped around the room.

'Condition?' His face contorted into a look of confusion as he scanned the room, trying to pick up words from the pages but finding nothing but a blur of black. Damn Hanji and her awful handwriting. It was no more than a swirl and a dot on a page, mixed together with some curved lines that could represent any of ten letters of the alphabet.

'You really don't remember much, do you? I'm not sure what Eren has told you but I'm sure it wasn't much- he has no idea what is happening in that head of yours, mister.' She joked, trying to keep her mood light before his face dropped and a grey cloud hung low above their heads.

The rain began to patter against the already rattling window as Hanji made her way to his bedside, sitting on the stool Eren had just slept on and leant in the same position as he had.

'You have what some call Dementia, Levi. It's rare or at least it is among people of your age, it's more common of people in their fifties and above, not that many live to that age, and it can have life-threatening side-effects.' Her face dropped further as she saw Levi's face twist from one of confusion to one of utter disbelief.

'That's not possible. What are the side-effects, Hanji.' He whispered, his voice shaky as much as his legs were when he made an attempt to stand, only to fall back on the bed again. There was no movement that could relieve the stress from his bones, it was all too forceful. He felt as if bricks had been stacked on his back. He had an illness. He wasn't going to die in battle. He was going to die of a bloody illness.

'I don't think you want to-'

'Tell me what the side effects are, Hanji!' He roared, his voice echoing around the vacant building. Levi rarely raised his voice but he was scared. He wasn't scared of much but in this instance, he was terrified. The woman flinched but stood her ground, tears springing to her eyes but never spilling. They were soldiers, they would never let the tears spill.

Levi's fear was soon replaced with nonchalance as Hanji explained the side-effects. Many were unknown and for the ones that were, it was unclear of just how they worked or how they affected the body. Memory loss seemed to be a key feature yet it wasn't permanent nor was it memory loss. Just as had been displayed by Levi, he had known of Eren, he had known everything about Eren, yet, when he had seen the boy, he had failed in identifying him.

The illness was no more than life-destroyer. It was deadly to a soldier- could cause them to forget to even fight when in the battlefield. It could stop them from moving. It could stop them from living. It was doing all in one to Levi.

Levi, despite his shaking body, still looked uncaring- disinterested. Hanji began to fear what was running through the corporal's mind. What he was hiding from the world. Locked up emotions were the strongest. Yet, she felt as if she could trust Eren to deal with the side-effects.

No matter how close they were, Hanji and Levi's friendship was one of banter and not open emotions. Not even Erwin and Levi had gotten to that stage. They had revealed to emotions to each other, yes, yet they had never shown them. Their faces always remained blank, impassive.

'I need to talk to Erwin. We don't know how this will affect you in battle yet. Can you wait here for me to return?' Levi nodded, his face still blank yet his eyes fearful as if a beast had flung itself at him and he could no longer move.

Hanji, with no more words, left the room, her crazed look faded by a mask of sadness. This illness would not only affect Levi. Like any disease, it affected the people around the culprit almost as much as it did the victim.

Levi scoffed at the thought of staying put but made sure to wait minutes before attempting to stand up. Despite many fails of making it onto his own two feet, he managed to stand and after days in a wheelchair, he finally felt free of the bounds of the wheels- no matter how blurred the events that happened whilst he sat in it were.

With one last look out of the rain-battered windows, he left the medical wing and meandered around the corridors until he found the place he wanted. He hadn't been interrupted by a soul and for that he was thankful. He only had one person he would like to talk to and that was Eren.

Eren was the one he could talk to because Eren was the only one he trusted.

 

* * *

 

Levi knocked curtly on the wooden doors. Eren, within the last day, had refused to stay in the dungeon so as by Levi's request had actually taken over his old quarters. Despite the restraints Erwin showed to the option, Hanji was persuasive- especially when she had one of Heichou's threats looming over her. Levi would not let Eren had nightmares in the dungeon any longer. Levi had little time left and he was going to make sure he showed Eren all the love he had.

'Eren?' He called out when the door didn't open. He must have been asleep so, after peering in, Levi snuck into his old room and saw Eren snoring away on the bed- although, rather cutely.

'Eren, wake up.' Levi cooed into his ear, shaking him awake as gently as he could. Eren, blinking rapidly, opened his eyes and was met by the sight of Levi, smiling.

'Heichou.' Eren slapped a smile onto his face, preparing himself for the lines that were about to come. 'How was your checkup.' He spoke groggily yet his eyes still shone like the stars, glistening in the afternoon light. It was odd that Eren was asleep at all but the exhaustion of wheeling a man who no longer remembered him around had got to him and he had practically passed out when he hit the bed.

'They didn't find anything unusual.' Levi lied, his eyes betraying it all but Eren didn't look, he didn't want to look- he was too scared to look.

'I see...look! I changed the bed sheets, Heichou!' Eren stated proudly, finally making eye contact, finding the light that had once been diminished. Eren's smile changed to a look of disbelief as Levi's hand rested on his head and ruffled his hair. 'Heichou?' He asked, his voice miniature as his body began to shake once again.

'I'm sorry...for making you worry.' Levi smiled gently, to as much an extent as he could muster in the situation at hand. A tear spilled down Eren's cheek, rolling like a wave to the shore. Before seconds had passed, a river was flowing and Eren was finally letting each and every tear out.

'Why- Why am I crying?' He hiccuped, drawing a few away from his cheek with his finger. Eren, without realising, fell to the floor, his legs no longer being able to stand. He had hidden his true emotions for so long, he just wanted to let it all out. He had cried before, he had trembled before but never had he done this. Never had he broken down.

'I-I'm sorry, I'm crying again.' He mumbled, a sob reaching his throat before he had time to send it back. 'I can't stop.' Eren continued, looking up at Levi, the man barely visible through the tears. 'It won't stop.' He spoke irritably, furiously wiping away the tears but he couldn't. His arms had been locked around another. Levi had brought him to his chest, now on his knees too, cooing soothing words into his ear.

'You don't have to apologise, Eren. I'm sorry for causing you pain.' Levi kept a straight face but he knew he was about to break. The rope was beginning to fray and it was only a matter of seconds until it snapped.

'Eren.' Levi breathed, his eyes meeting Eren's.

'Heichou.' Eren smiled, his lips glistening as the tears, that had finished their path, glistened in the light. Levi looked down longingly at them before returning his eyes back to Eren's. They both leaned in at the same time, their lips scathing each other before they entered a chaste kiss.

'Sorry I keep crying.' Eren spoke as they pulled away, the tears drying up and a gentle smile returning to his face. He had locked those feelings back up only if to keep Levi strong. Showing weakness would only lead Levi to pity him- he didn't want that. Eren wanted to be equals with Levi, not corporal and recruit, no matter how impossible it sounded.

Levi just stared at Eren, sad to see the tears drain away. Because the rope had snapped and Levi was breaking. Tell me what the side effects are, Hanji! The memory hit him like a tsunami, crashing him against a wall until the tears spilled. They did. With Eren still in his sights, the tears began to rain down.

'Eh?! What's wrong, Heichou.' Eren talked panicked, rushedly. He had never seen Levi cry- he was the boy that didn't cry. This was impossible or so he thought.

'I'm scared, Eren. I'm really f*cking scared.' He tried to keep his voice together but it only sounded strained, cracking at the end of his sentence as a sob rose in his throat.

'Huh?'

'I'm going to forget again, aren't I? Hanji...she told me...about my illness. What if? What if this day ends and I wake up tomorrow and I'm not myself again.' Levi began to shake rapidly as Eren watched on with curiosity, distraught that he didn't know how to help. 'I'd be hurting you again, wouldn't I? When I think that...it makes me so f*cking scared, Eren.' Levi began to panic, images of scenarios that could happen flashing before him like a video rolling on repeat.

'Levi.' This was a command, not a request. Levi brought his eyes to Eren, his cheeks being pulled forward by the force of Eren's hands. 'To tell you the truth, I'm scared too. I'm scared of waking up and you not recognising me.' A tear rolled down both of their cheeks, dripping off their chins like water from an icicle. 'But, I'm sure,' he continued, 'that it'll be okay. I mean, you remembered me, right? And right now, you're really looking at me. You're not the same as you were back then. So, don't cry anymore, Heichou.' They found each other's eyes once more and the tears began to fade. Levi smiled weakly but it was a smile nonetheless.

'Eren.' He breathed, taking their joined hands and pressing his lips against the back of Eren's hand. 'I love you.' He murmured and through his slight shock at the admission- Levi wasn't one to say it often- Eren returned it.

Smiling, they lay against the bed and let their eyes flutter shut, not knowing what could happen the next day.


	3. Chapter 3

**3.**

The Fear Of Truth

 

'Levi, are you asleep yet?' Eren sighed, fiddling with the black-haired boy's hair. He gained silence in response only exasperating him more. It seemed that he would be the only one awake tonight. His mind was too busy to fall into unconsciousness and the looming fear of tomorrow was causing his stomach to flip nauseatingly.

'I want you to wake up and remember me, is that too much to ask?' He whispered, the darkness swallowing his words. Eren knew his efforts were futile- nothing could change the inevitable and one day or another, Levi would wake up and his brain would once again be a cloud.

It was a nice description for it, really, Eren realised. Cloud. That's what it looked like to him. It was as if Levi were lost in the clouds- away with the fairies as many would say. His eyes were clouded over, his mind was as useless as the fluffs of white in the sky. To most, anyway, what the rest saw was just how important they were. Even in his state, Levi was crucial- he was humanity's strongest and a simple illness could not deter him from that path.

Eren found himself, over the next hour, unable to force his mind from the man who lay next to him. He was all too consuming. Even without the illness pushing them together, spending time before his futile attempts at consciousness failed him, Eren had found himself wrapped up in the topic that was Levi himself. No more and no less.

'You're going to get better, I know you will.' He stated, to himself alone. He wanted to believe it so badly yet as his voice cracked and his body trembled, he knew his hopes were falsely placed. Levi wasn't going to get better. And, maybe, if he was lucky, Eren wouldn't see him deteriorate but he knew death was inevitable. It always had been forced upon on them since they became soldiers. There was no escaping an early death and maybe that could let Levi die with honour...rather than dying from a bloody illness.

He knew Levi hated it, even more so than Eren. Levi held high status and was a proud man. Although he was rather reserved, his pride always shone through. It was what set fear into the other soldiers. It had what sent him from the bottom of the ranks to the top- his strength participating too.

Levi knew he was good at what he did and he held that in high regard. He wasn't egotistical, far from it, but he enjoyed knowing that he was able- even if he didn't have to. Now, with this illness, he had been stripped of that. He would be stripped of his pride, his abilities, his status, his rank. Everything he cherished would be gone.

Except for Eren. Eren would always be there for him, no matter what. Eren was determined, head-strong and a bit of a nutcase when the worst situations occurred but that's what Levi loved about Eren and Eren knew that- he had been told enough times.

Eren slipped out of bed, peering out of the open window, the curtains fluttering in the wind, to see that it was far past midnight. He gave up on the thought of sleep altogether and reminded himself to be glad that Levi had stayed in his slumber despite his common insomnia.

He yawned quietly and cracked his aching bones before trudging out of the door, being careful to shut the door quietly behind him. He wouldn't want to wake Levi now. He then continued to slip through the corridors, going undetected by most and finding Hanji- still awake- peering down an obscurely built microscope.

'Eren!' She shouted, clearly waking up a few neighbours from the exasperated sighs coming from the surrounding walls.

'Hi, Hanji.' He whispered, smiling sadly, trying to feign a happiness that clearly wasn't there. Hanji returned with a sleepy grin; she understood perfectly, she was up because of Levi after all.

'What did you come down for.' Her voice was still cheery, it was more often than not that it was but was a lot quieter than before and it was clear that it was taken gladly by the neighbours.

'I wanted to ask a few questions...about Levi.' Hanji nodded solemnly and motioned for him to sit on the stool and she threw herself gracefully around the desk before leaving her head on her hands, watching him intently. The stare put Eren on edge but he knew this was just Hanji going about her usual routine. Suddenly, her gaze was brought down. She stared at the floor as intently as she had looked at him.

'I'm afraid to say that I've learnt next to nothing.' She sighed, rubbing her temples gently. 'This is all too complex. I need machinery that we don't have. I need advances in medicine. I need to time travel to find anything. We're in a time where I have nothing to help us. We have come some way since being within the walls, fighting disease has become crucial, but that doesn't mean we can't advance more...and we need to. What Levi has can't just be looked at through a microscope or be solved by experimental treatments. I'm at a loss for what to do.' Eren's eyebrows furrowed as he watched Hanji clenching her fists. It was as if she was ready to punch a hole through the desk. Maybe she was.

Eren breathed in. Then, breathed out. Slowly, slower, calmer. He forced himself to calm his racing heart and withhold the tears that were threatening to spill. He had just gained the worst news of his life and he couldn't find it within himself to let his emotions loose.

Levi was incurable.

He was stuck like this forever. Eren was stuck with this forever. Hanji was stuck curing this forever. They were all trapped now. Without a cure, they would simply have to put up with Levi's episodes. No, not put up. They would help. They wouldn't get fed up.

This was Levi...they would never turn their backs on Levi.

Eren sighed and stood up, his legs shaky, as was his body. 'Thank you, Hanji.' He muttered insincerely before rushing out of the room; he had to see Levi. He had to see him before he lost it again. Eren had to ground himself...and Levi was the only way to do so.

 

* * *

 

Eren stumbled back to the room, his legs finally slowing from his run as they tired. When he reached their room, he made no attempts to be quiet as he fell onto the bed, his mind reeling. He soon fell asleep, anyway; even his thoughts couldn't keep his exhausted body awake any longer. He didn't dream that night, no nightmares like the nights to come, no dreams like the nights had once been before. It was simply darkness. A swirling black in his eyes that never faded...not until his eyes peeked open the next morning.

The first thing he noticed was the small hand clenched tightly around his own, squeezing it as if it were a lifeline- trapping Eren in a vice. Eren wanted to pull away, to avoid inevitable disappointment when the man he loved opened his eyes. There was more chance that not that he would wake up the same way he fell asleep but there was that slither of a chance that he would wake up in the same state that he had been stuck in for days.

Eren knew he couldn't avoid the inevitable but that didn't stop him from wishing it away. It was a burden on his shoulders, one that he would deal with because he knew that if he did not, he would never forgive himself. And, for Levi. That had to be a reason above his selfishness yet when he thought about it, the more that he found himself not doing this for Levi but for himself- his own self-satisfaction.

No, this was the fear talking, taunting him. It made him believe things that were not true. Things that he had never once believe but that twitch of his fingers and the blurriness of lethargy showed that his mind was no longer functioning as it was supposed to. He had already begun to fidget with his spare hand, dancing his fingers of the paler-boy's skin just as if to remember what it felt like under his touch. It felt so long since they had had this. Just a simple morning where Eren could let himself watch as the other lifted their head and got ready for the day, telling Eren to hurry up and stop gawking. Classic Levi, really.

When Levi's eyes opened, Eren's fingers began to tremble and his stomach began to flip. He was scared, utterly and truly afraid. This was what he felt when he had come face to face with a titan and now, he was feeling just because of one measly man.

No, not measly. This was humanity's strongest soldier, he was the bravest, strongest most courageous man he had ever met yet once again, his fear was blinding him to show a weak skeleton of a man. Just like he had seen when the illness had controlled him. It was as if the man was a cloud to him. Weak yet beautiful. Gentle yet so capable of darkness. A bringer of happiness and a bringer of pain.

'Good morning, Heichou.' He whispered gently, maybe just to see if Levi was awake or not, maybe to hear his answer.

'Uuuuh...' Levi groaned, his eyes fluttering open a second time revealing Eren's worst nightmare. Clouded eyes, confusion. Illness. 'Good morning.' He smiled gently, squeezing Eren's hands to calm the trembling that was reverberating around him.

'Yeah.' Eren's voice cracked. He couldn't believe that slither of chance had become a reality. Or maybe he had just estimated wrong, maybe this was much more serious than they had ever considered. Maybe this wasn't a fifty-fifty illness, half the time healthy and the other half ill enough to be dead. No, this was so much more. Levi could spend the majority of his life in this state, couldn't he? Eren didn't even know how much consciousness Levi had in this state, how was he supposed to know how to help? He wanted to hear Levi scream to be released from the trap of his body but he heard nothing. Levi's spirit had already dwindled and only a shell remained- the Levi that could fight it had dissipated.

A blink. A smile, a light. Levi was back. Was that possible? In one blink Levi had suddenly returned to usual. 'Yeah.' Eren repeated, much stronger than last time. His hope had been relighted. Eren didn't know he was crying until his tears began to drench his shirt. Had he really begun crying of relief?

'What's wrong?' The man asked, his voice so calm- uncaring. Maybe Levi was just tired, that was it, right?

'Nothing.' Eren shook his head, turning away from the raven-haired man and tried to blink away his tears, to no avail.

'I'll go make some tea.' Levi spoke gently. That was so unlike him. He never offered tea to Eren. Eren hated tea. Eren flung himself around and found himself catching Levi's gaze again.

'What's up?' Eren asked timidly as he saw the other Levi smiling, almost manically. It was as if he was so excited for something to come. Eren had never seen the expression on Levi before and the twisting of his features looked frightening...fake. Just like this Levi was a fake remake of the last.

The same looks with the emotions so scattered that it couldn't even be called him anymore. It was a replica of a human, a robot with a human's skin- so detectably wrong by all around it.

And then he realised, and he couldn't believe he hadn't realised it before, that light he had seen- he had made it up. His own delusional thinking had led him to believe that the best was possible. But that light had already been snuffed out. It wasn't going to be brought back for hours maybe even days.

'I'm just happy.' He murmured, smiling, looking at the horizon as if it were more interesting than the man beside him. Maybe it was, to him. No one could know what was going through Levi's moment at times like these.

'Eh?' Eren was confused. How could someone so delusioned be looking forward to the future? Unless, of course, they had lost sense of time alltogether. Oh. Eren knew what was happening before it had even happened. He knew the words that he feared were going to be said. He knew he would hear the words he had heard so many times before.

'Oh, sorry. I didn't tell you, huh?' A pause, a dreaded pause. 'You see, I have this subordinate named Eren.'


End file.
